If I stay it will be trouble, if I go it will be double…
Practice does not make a perfect relationship when you are repeating the same dysfunctional shit. Divorce rates for first marriages are 40%-50% [1] and increase to 60% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages [2]. Infidelity occurs in almost a quarter (22%) of monogamous relationships [3].
So, it’s not surprising that people come into my office all the time saying, “I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells.” “It feels like we’re just roommates.” “When we fight, we say things that we can’t take back.” “Sex? I can’t remember the last time…” “I can’t believe you cheated on me.”
Why is it so hard to keep a relationship alive and well?
The answer is twofold: entropy and ego.
The law of entropy. You probably learned about it in high school physics class, but I’m not expecting you to remember that. Essentially, the law says that unless you do something to maintain order, systems naturally deteriorate. And so it is with relationships. When we stop putting effort into our relationships, the special connection that drew us together begins to fade. Then the law of entropy kicks in and the relationship begins to deteriorate as we drift further and further apart.
Ego (in the Buddhist sense of the word). When connection falls apart it affects our ability to communicate in healthy ways. We begin to feel unseen and unheard, and gradually the things “I need” eclipse the things that “we need.”
So, what do we do about it?
If nothing else, couples therapy forces people to sit down and talk about their relationship for an hour a week. Given the fact that most people haven’t done so in years, the simple act of paying attention can have a big impact.
But to heal and rebuild a relationship, we need to do more than pay attention to it once a week. We need to develop a new outlook on what the relationship means and it’s importance in your life, and we have to develop communication and conflict management skills that we practice day in and day out.
In therapy, we will learn how to stop yelling and start communicating. We stop focusing on “me” and start paying attention to “us.” We practice how to disagree without fighting, and you will apply those skills at home. Believe it or not, the hardest part will be learning to keep calm and communicate despite the anger that tells you to yell and scream. Learn to do that, and your relationship will be stronger than ever.
[1] https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/04/marriage
[2] https://www.huffpost.com/entry/second-third-marriages-divorce-rate_n_1324496
[3] https://kinseyinstitute.org/pdf/Infidelity%20in%20hetero%20couples.pdf